I got back to Chiang Mai earlier this week, feeling both exhausted and more than a little sad. This past month has been a tough one for me and I’m still grieving the loss of my beloved Uncle. Just before I got the news that saw me flying back to the UK, my life in Chiang Mai was the closest it’s ever got to perfect. Coming back this week and seeing my world through the filter of loss has seen everything look differently.
What first got me thinking about perspective was a couple of hours spent walking around the city the morning after I got back. When I first arrived in Chiang Mai back in July, I rented a motorbike on my first day here and as such have never actually walked around the city. Walking around, I saw things that I’d never seen before. Sure some of the key landmarks were familiar but I was seeing the streets I used to speed down on my motorbike from a totally new perspective. I saw details for the first time and at points I even struggled to work out where I was, even though I was walking along streets I’d driven down every day for months.
Thinking about this change of perspective made me consider the change in perspective I was feeling at a deeper level. Losing someone I love has made me reconsider everything. All my plans, beliefs, ideas suddenly don’t feel as set in stone or as obviously important as they once did – I take none of what I had before my Uncle’s death for granted and it’s clear that my emotional state has been much changed. Before I left Chiang Mai I felt contented and carefree, on returning I’ve felt heavy-hearted and a little lost.
Just as I had started to adjust to this new perspective, I went for lunch at my favourite place to eat and started a book I had taken from my Uncle’s collection. The book is called Only Fear Dies: A Book of Liberation
Considering how unhappy I was feeling, I was intrigued and continued to read. The chapter was enlightening and any 
summary I could give you would do it no justice (I highly recommend reading the book). Barry Long’s words made me realise that we choose to be unhappy, we cling to unhappiness because we love it and if we didn’t then we would surely let it go. A few years ago I had a light bulb moment when I realised that we can choose happiness, how funny that it’s taken me so long to realise that this is also true of unhappiness.
“You are life itself, personified on earth. And you are life all the time, behind the incessant ups and downs of the personality — not just some of the time. Life does not change or pass away. Life goes on. Has there ever been a moment when you did not go on, when you did not get through even the direst crisis? Of course not. Life is good because life is true. And it is every moment — once you surrender the right to be unhappy.” ~ Barry Long
And with that half an hour sat reading in a beautiful garden in Chiang Mai, my perspective had shifted once again. Instead of choosing to focus on loss and my pain at losing someone from the past, I’ve been consciously choosing to feel grateful. Grateful for the time I had with my Uncle and grateful that his influence on my life and his wisdom are ever-present. Slowly but surely I’m feeling less lost and more peaceful day by day.
I know that at some point this melancholy will subside completely. I’m a naturally happy and optimistic person and I know that sadness is not a cloak I can wear for too long. I also know that when the time comes to let go of my pain, it will be as a result of changing my perspective. It’s my believe that we are all capable of changing our lives by changing our perspective, if we only put our minds to it and believe that we can.
Hi there, I'm Caroline. Welcome to Life is Limitless, my blog about personal development with a focus on facing fears and living a life without limits. Check out my about page to find out more and pop your email in the box below to subscribe for regular updates.
We’re all glad to have you back, my friend
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Wow, another gem. I love this quote…
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Touching post Caroline.
It’s almost if you asked yourself what would your Uncle say to you in these circumstances and then you flip through one of the books of his favorite teachers and you get the answer!
I like how you’re using your gratefulness practice to try to shift your perspective. I think gratefulness is a cure-all for so many things in our life – especially shifting perspective. We can take the worst and most horrible situations in our lives and see a little bit of good that came out of it. Actually, one of the worst experiences in my life has been the most transformative. I’m going to write about this exact issue (changing perspective) for my post this week and glad to have gotten your insight on the topic
Wise words Caz and very true, when I lost my mum there definitely came a point when I realised I could choose to stay unhappy and in grief by perpetually focussing on what I had lost – and I do still have moments like this but they are brief now – because I chose to focus on the good times had and yet to be. We make the choice, we make our lives.
Big love to you Cxxx
Hi Charlotte, thanks so much for your message, I’ve been of the radar the last few months, dealing with the sadness of it all but I’m emerging a stronger person for it now. “We make the choice, we make our lives” Yes we do!! Thanks C, much love to you too xx
Hi Caroline
El B’s A El here. I found your site through hers:
http://whereverthewindtakesme.com/2012/11/30/wherever-the-wind-takes-me/comment-page-1/
First, condolences on the loss of your uncle. Your words reminded me of the death of my neighbour. His widow told me a little while later, “I have two choices. I can die along with him or I can move on and live my life.” She chose to go on and live her life and that is what you are doing. Her words have always inpsired me.
Your blog posts are very interesting. I think most of us have a novel inside us but we don’t let it out. Well done for releasing yours. But what is it about? You don’t mention its subject.
I remember meeting you once, long ago, at El B’s. How times change!
All the best.
El D
Hey El D, thanks so much for your comment, I know it’s taken me a while to reply but I’ve been a bit quiet on the blog of late but your condolences were much appreciated. The novel is titled “Shame: The demise of a man” and without giving too much away, it’s the story of one man’s secret shame that ends up destroying his life. It doesn’t sound very cheery but there is a moral to the story
I remember meeting you too. Hope you are well!
Hi Caroline,
If it weren’t for your uncle’s passing when he did, we wouldn’t have met. There are so few people like him out there and he’s left something with you that will carry you in new directions. Its impressive the way you’ve walked out on your own to face life with a fresh perspective, sharing that with others.
Your photo of watermelon has been haunting me since seeing it. Bangalore is hot as I’m sure ChangMai must be. Stay cool and keep writing!
Thank you for posting.
Ludvig von Nutzenberg
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Hi Louis, thanks for your lovely comment, it’s true many amazing things have happened recently that wouldn’t have otherwise happened, this is the beauty of life. I’ve actually changed all plans again and I’m not yet in Chiang Mai nor will I be for a while, post coming soon which explains all and you might even get a mention
Take care!