A couple of years ago, for a variety of reasons that I won’t go into here, I came to the conclusion that I had a problem with anger. I realised that anger was an emotion that I was feeling on a regular, if not daily, basis and even more concerning was that until that point I hadn’t even been fully aware that this was the case.
These days anger is a rarity for me. And rather than a negative character trait, the purpose anger now plays in my life is to serve as a warning sign that for whatever reason I am not looking after myself properly in that moment.
You might think that this is a strange thing to say when so often anger can appear to be caused by other people’s actions or events beyond our control. But for me the number one rule of taking responsibility for myself always applies.
I’ll give you some examples:
- If I find myself getting angry during my daily commute, perhaps because someone is taking up too much legroom, the chances are I’m angry because I haven’t calmly and politely asked the person to move up a little. A couple of years ago I would have sighed and seethed with frustration at the person rather than clearly and politely stating my need. These days I do the latter and nine times out of 10 it’s met with an accommodating response. If it’s not then I get up and move.
- If I find myself getting angry with a friend or family member for giving me advice that I haven’t asked for, I know it’s because I haven’t set a boundary and told them that ‘I’ve got it covered thanks’ and stated kindly that I’m not in any need of advice right now.
- Or If I start getting angry and frustrated after or during a meeting at work, you can bet your bottom dollar that it’s because I haven’t said what I wanted or needed to say.
I could go on but I hope I’ve made my point. Taking responsibility for my own wants and needs means that it’s rare that I have any reason to get angry. When I examined the instances from my past when I would feel consumed by anger or frustration, nearly always it was because I wasn’t speaking my truth or making sure that I was being clear to myself and others about what I wanted and needed in any given situation.
What I did back then was suffer the situation and then bemoan it afterwards. The futility of this seems so obvious when I write it down but I see people behaving like this all the time and on the odd occasion I still do it! Now and again if somebody starts to complain to me about someone or something they are not happy about I ask them whether or not they have told the person in question how they feel or done something to rectify the situation. These questions are often met with surprise and more often than not the answer is ‘no I haven’t.’
If I feel angry with a person or situation I ask myself the same question. Then I stop and I ask myself what I need. Sometimes it’s as simple as more sleep, food, a break or a kind word for myself and if I can’t figure out why I’m feeling irritated then I give myself a quick reminder of all that I have to be grateful for. That soon puts a smile back on my face.
“For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
I watch people on a regular basis go about their lives mindlessly displaying anger to their fellow humans and I feel grateful that I no longer do that. I spent years tutting, sighing, huffing and ranting without even realising all the precious time I was wasting doing so.
This kind of mindless anger is probably more prevalent in big cities like London because people are often stressed, busy and in a rush but I’ve learnt that displaying anger or feeling angry doesn’t solve anything, it definitely doesn’t make the train go faster and in fact it will just leave you feeling worse.
Taking responsibility for your own welfare and comfort is the best way I know to secure your own happiness. As Leo Tolstoy said: “If you make it a habit not to blame others, you will feel the growth of the ability to love in your soul, and you will see the growth of goodness in your life.”
For the next few days I challenge you to conduct an anger audit in your life. This means really being aware of when you feel animosity, frustration or anger towards others or about events that occur in your day-to-day life. When you notice it happening do the following three things.
- Ask yourself ‘Is this something I can change or not?’
- If the answer is yes then change it! If the answer is no then let it go.
- Show some compassion first to yourself and then for the person you’re feeling angry towards. When I watch people snapping and sniping at each other on public transport, more often than not the person who appears to be the initial cause of the anger is merely an innocent bystander. For example the person who shouts ‘don’t push me!’ to the person being pushed by ten other people.
“There are two things a person should never be angry at, what they can help, and what they cannot.” ~ Plato
Please comment below with your thoughts or techniques for dealing with anger, I’d love to hear them. Also, if you like the post, do me a favour and re-tweet it, like it, or share it on Facebook. Thank you.
Hi there, I'm Caroline. Welcome to Life is Limitless, my blog about personal development with a focus on facing fears and living a life without limits. Check out my about page to find out more and pop your email in the box below to subscribe for regular updates.
Another amazing post, Caroline. Thank you!
What you’ve written resonates so deeply with me. I’ve had anger issues myself over the years and what you wrote about questions to ask yourself in a situation where anger arises is totally spot-on. I think the biggest issue I always had was admitting to myself that I was angry in the first place, because I thought anger was such an ugly emotion and therefore not one that I wanted to be in possession of. But once I admitted it to myself, it became easier to deal with, and the ways you suggested are so familiar to me
I loved this especially : “…rather than a negative character trait, the purpose anger now plays in my life is to serve as a warning sign that for whatever reason I am not looking after myself properly in that moment.” So true and so succinctly written.
Thanks for the lovely comment Kellee, I’m really pleased that what I’ve written resonates, Its also really nice to hear you talk about your anger issues in the past tense
The main problem with anger is that it allows the past to destroy the present and future. It’s self-sabotage.
The only way I know to let go is to feel inside the body and to allow thoughts to subside. Simply noticing the sensations and thoughts but not engaging them. Then the anger dissipates. A simple process, but definitely NOT an easy one.
Hi Dean thanks for the comment, I think focusing on the physical is a really good point. When I think back now to how I could get angry without even noticing it astounds me because these days I am so aware of the physical impact emotion has on me (partly also because it is a lot more rare) I think your process is definitely a good one!
Your posts are always so refreshing, enlightening, and powerful. Your writing style i so eloquent and clear. You strike the perfect balance of sharing your own self improvement and helping others improve.
Rick what really lovely feedback – thank you so much
I enjoyed this so much Caroline. I’ve never heard that Ralph Waldo Emerson quote before but I’d say it’s pretty spot on.
When I was younger I used to move myself out of an angry/frustrated state by simply thinking “actually, things are pretty good”. It’s surprising how well it worked. Sure, I’d relapse, but reminding yourself daily that compared to most you have it pretty sweet works wonders (gratitude is a wonderful thing).
I couldn’t agree more regarding your thoughts on people getting annoyed with public transport. Getting upset about something like that does nothing apart hurt yourself. Next time you’re on a delayed train, whistle along to “Don’t worry, be happy”
Hi Ben thanks for your comments – I think your techniques are spot on! Gratitude sure is a wonderful thing. I love the whistling suggestion – I just wish I could whistle in tune – I think if I tried that people would just look at me strangely, but you never know it might distract them from being angry anyway
That is a brilliant perspective on anger. I can honestly say that most of my anger comes from the fact that I haven’t made it clear to others about what I wanted or needed in a given situation. I guess I’ve expected them to read my mind or just think like me! I can apply this to the times I have felt disappointment as well. I guess the bottom line is I need to work on making my needs know. What a timely read as I am visiting family today and can put this new tool to use!
Thanks for your comments Tracy. I’m really pleased my perspective resonates. It took me a while to get used to stating my needs (it can feel clumsy at first) but once I got the hang of it, the results can be amazing because not only do my needs get met but also then there is no need for anger – double bonus
Good luck with it and feel free to drop me a line to let me know how you get on!
It definitely is about taking the situation into your own hands. Whether it’s making a request or just letting it go. There are only two things we are able to control. Our thoughts and actions.
I’ve had issues where I let others determine how I feel. Like you mentioned, having someone too close to my personal space. Instead of moving or saying something about it, I’d sit there and let it make me angry.
I’m getting better!
Glad to hear it Benny! I totally agree that the two things we are able to control are our own thoughts and actions and thankfully I’m getting better at it too
Thanks for your comments.
I love this topic and I agree completely.
For me it’s not just anger, it’s also depression, anxiety, fear and frustration that stems from not taking responsibility for my own life. When I allow someone else’s behavior to dictate if I’m going to have a good or bad day, most of my days will be bad. When I accept responsibility for my own experience, I mostly have good days!
Boundaries are important to my happiness and well being, so is letting things go. I can choose to focus on all the things I don’t like, and I can choose to recognize that some minor setbacks are just part of life that we all deal with, and my experience of those setbacks is no bigger than I allow them to be.
I wrote a little about this in my blog last week in an article titled, “How to make the best of your mistakes”. We all make mistakes and that’s okay. Living a great life requires me to accept fault in myself and others, learn what I can when things go wrong, let things go, and move forward. Always move forward.
Thanks for this great topic!
Chrysta
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Chrysta I couldn’t agree more! Taking responsibility for myself and my life has been one of the most liberating and enlightening life lessons I’ve ever learnt, it’s great to hear how it helps you have good days! Letting things go is also something I find really important for my health and happiness. Loved your post, thanks for sharing
I agree completely with this perspective of anger.
I’ve had issues with anger and frustration sometimes before but I luckily realized what you said about not acting to solve what cause the anger. I think everything is about taking every situation by the hand, do when something can be done or letting go if not.
Thank you for what is a great reminder for future upsetting situations!
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Thanks for your comment Maria, I totally agree with what you say about letting go when there is noting you can do about the situation, that was a lesson I was pleased to get!