Writing online is a strange thing indeed. Here I am sharing details of myself with you each week (or a little less often of late) and yet I still feel as though I haven’t told you enough about myself, like we should get to know each other a little better, you know?
I remember when I first started writing this blog, I heard a lot of noise online about being authentic. The whole notion left me feeling bemused, I couldn’t conceive of being anyone else but myself, but with time I’ve realised how easy it is to unwittingly sensor what you do or do not share of yourself online.
The authentic self is the soul made visible. ~ Sarah Ban Breathnach
Let me give you an example. I recently read a great post by Corbett Barr about whether or not to swear online. It is a topic I struggled with for a long time. I swear in the real world, not prolifically, but I have definitely been known to swear when the occasion has called for it. Initially the thought of swearing online felt too scary, too risky for me so I simply avoided making a decision about it. But by making no decision to swear in my posts I had made the decision not to swear. You may have noticed that I have been a little more true to myself on that front lately.
I’ve also thought many times about writing a “things you don’t know about me’ post but have never felt inspired enough to do it. Recently, I declared that I would be getting naked on this blog (metaphorically speaking that is) and this post is a step in that direction. Around the same time that I realised I was in danger of going into full-time hiding, a friend of mine also wrote an inspirational post called ‘Things I’m afraid to tell you’ inspired by what could now be described as an online movement.
We are constantly invited to be who we are. ~ Henry David Thoreau
Writing a ‘things I’m afraid to tell you’ post, felt like an appropriate way to reveal even more of the real me online and to step even further outside of my comfort zone/hiding place. When I sat down to think about what I would be afraid of saying online, I quickly realised that it was the same list of things that I was having a hard time admitting to myself. But recently after a period of not feeling as happy as I think I should be I’ve got pretty honest with myself and now it’s time to share that honesty with you.
Confession #1 Travel
I’m not enjoying travelling as much as I thought I would. Moving from place to place feels so transitory and has left me feeling lonely and disconnected from the people and places that I visit. I’m also finally ready to confess that I hate living out of a backpack, I miss my 
home comforts like a strong cup of tea, a hot soak after a long day, late night chats with good friends, having a fitness routine and my bed bug free memory foam mattress (or at least it was when I sold it). I’m also starting to feel a serious sense of dread at the thought of the inevitable one hour struggle that is packing and zipping up my 52 litre backpack. Who said travelling light was a good idea? I’m missing the sense of purpose that I felt my life had before I started living life on the road. The goal was always to create a location independent life for myself, earning money doing something that I love, but I’m finding it more difficult than I anticipated to juggle travel and work. I find myself feeling guilty if I’m out sightseeing rather than working and guilty if I’m working too hard and not exploring the places that I visit. I do, however, have a plan up my sleeve, which doesn’t involve hopping on a plane back to the UK. More on this in a future post.
Confession #2 Love
I’m getting a bit sick of being single. After a run of failed relationships I decided to take a year off men to focus on my goals and myself. That was two and a half years ago and if I’m honest I’m now starting to get a bit foot tappingly impatient. I’m 100 per cent certain that there is a dude out there for me, but it’s quite a big deal for me to actually admit that I’d like to meet him sooner rather than later. I’m not worried about my age or some sort of ticking clock, I’ve no current desire to have children although I don’t rule it out as a possibility. I would, however, like to have someone to share and enjoy life with. Being on the road has made me appreciate what it is to deeply connect with other people and I’ve decided that I would like to have that on a more regular basis with someone special. Despite having faith that these things happen when you least expect them, for someone who is normally quite proactive at realising my goals and dreams, I’m finding it frustrating that falling in love is not something I can put on a to do list, schedule in and then tick off when complete.
Confession #3 Self-consciousness
At times I can be ridiculously self-conscious. I’ve suffered with it all my life and whilst I know how self-conscious I feel, it may not always be completely apparent to others. I’m not especially shy although I can be if the situation permits, nor am I overly confident but some might think so if they saw me in my comfort zone. You can then, imagine my delight when I recently asked for feedback on this site and got a virtually unanimous call for more video blogs. This was not happy reading for little old self-conscious me and as I started to ponder whether or not the world would come to an end if I simply abandoned this whole blogging malarkey, I remembered my unlikely passion for facing fears and my own personal growth.
Confession #4 Courage
Despite the fact that I write about facing fears if you asked me what courage feels like I couldn’t really tell you. People tell me sometimes that the things I do are courageous and inspirational but I always feel bewildered to hear that. I know that things scare me, quite a lot of things actually and I hate feeling scared so much so that I find myself compelled to do those very things, but if you were to call me brave then I’d tell you that I’m the most scared, brave person I know. I feel as though just as I face one fear and triumph, I turn to see another fear on the horizon, heading straight for me. The goal is to work out how I came to be someone who gets called brave and then share with other people how I did it. More to come on this too.
Confession #5 Goals
In December I wrote a plan for 2012 full of goals to achieve throughout the year. It’s now June, virtually half way through and apart from those related to my travels I haven’t achieved any of them. Not one and until now I haven’t been exactly forthcoming about that fact. When I first started this blog, I published a monthly ‘goals round-up’ post, which would detail how I fared against the last month’s goals with a list of goals for the following month. With those posts came a strong sense of accountability for me. Putting my goals online and then reporting back on how I’d got on saw me do lots of crazy things I wouldn’t normally have done without that added pressure. Those round-up posts stopped back in September 2011 and I’ve noticed a marked difference in what I’ve been achieving ever since. I’ll be reinstating those posts (or something similar) in the near future.
Everything will line up perfectly when knowing and living the truth becomes more important than looking good. ~ Alan Cohen
Well I think that is probably enough confessions from me for one day and I hope that you feel that you know me a little better as a result. It has actually felt quite liberating and cathartic to be so open with myself and others about how I’ve been feeling lately. I can strongly recommend having a think about the things that you would be afraid to tell other people and see what comes up. If publishing them online feels like too much, then simply admitting them to yourself could have a really positive impact.
Are there things that you haven’t been admitting to yourself lately? Any confessions that you would like to get off your chest? Let me know in the comments I would love to hear from you. If you liked the post please do share by hitting one of the buttons below.
Hi there, I'm Caroline. Welcome to Life is Limitless, my blog about personal development with a focus on facing fears and living a life without limits. Check out my about page to find out more and pop your email in the box below to subscribe for regular updates.
This is beautiful truth and brave facing of your fears. I still am not able to bring myself to make a video – though I did recently have my first video chat so am making sweet progress!
Thank you for sharing yourself like this with us <3
Hi Kate, thanks for your lovely comment. The video thing is tough eh! But congrats on doing a video chat, it’s definitely a huge step in the right direction!
I loved reading this so much! And one of the reasons, besides knowing you better, is that I feel the same in some of the points. I am enjoying traveling but sometimes I miss the feeling of coziness that comes from home, wherever home is. That’s why I take my time and stay for long time in places, because I don’t enjoy being on the road that often, I need time to relax and get the feeling of “home”, whether I am in a 10 bed dorm or a cute apartment. I need time to feel comfortable in the place, make it familiar, and then start working on meeting people and do things.
and work on some other aspects that need improvement. I will tell you more about this privately…
I definitely share the wish of sharing your experiences with someone special, and when you are traveling the new experiences are something quite regular, so that lack of someone to share is sometimes quite strong and painful. I would love to have a special person to travel with but since that’s out of my control I’m trying to make the most of my “lonely heart”
There are few things I am really afraid to tell… so I’m gonna give them a thought and might write about them, whether I publish them or not, that’s another thing
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Hi Maria, thanks for your lovely comment and for being one of those people that were kind enough to give me feedback when I asked for it. You said exactly what I needed to hear
What you’ve said about staying in one place for longer is exactly what I’m planning to do once I’ve finished seeing Indonesia. I definitely need that time to feel settled and comfortable and I can totally relate to what you’ve said. I absolutely love that you’ve said “I’m trying to make the most of my lonely heart” and it reminds me so much of a comment left by someone on my blog a while ago which was: “Loneliness during travels is something I look out for because it makes me feel so ALIVE!”. Thanks for sharing 
wow! I found you a few moments ago via Niall Doherty and it was just a few minutes after I had finished writing two posts on my blog about fear and home. I too felt rather shy about writing about those things in public but I felt I had to do it. and there is more I want to say, about how it really feels for me, living in another country and struggling with fears and lonliness. and that is even though I am in a relationship and I have lots of stuff that of course is great about this life.
So, I loved this post and I will definitely keep reading. I like the way you write and I relate totally to these questions about what to share and what to keep private.
After reading this post I feel so much more ok about what I wrote – at least I am no alone and even if some people judge me then so what?
love Kate
Hi Kate! Thanks for your lovely comment, I just looked at your blog (which I love) for the posts you mentioned but couldn’t find them, perhaps you haven’t published them yet? I’m so pleased you liked my post and I love that you said “and I have lots of stuff that of course is great about this life” because I feel the same. There are always two sides to everything I believe and that was a nice reminder. In terms of people judging you, what has surprised me most on this blog is that when I’ve felt most vulnerable about what I’m posting, that is when I’ve had the most positive reaction from people. It never fails to surprise me
Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for sharing . Sometimes I feel the same way. Like, how can I be an inspiration to others when my life is so fucking boring? When I doubt myself, how am I supposed to tell others not to doubt themselves? When I knowingly make a stupid financial decision, am I a hypocrite by advising someone else not to do the same?
It’s a struggle.
The words you’re writing and advice you’re giving are genuine…but it’s not always easy to follow. But that doesn’t make it any less authentic. It just means that being amazing isn’t all unicorns and rainbows. And that’s alright.
I get tired of the blogs written by people who are so self-righteous, and think their shit doesn’t stink. That because they ran a marathon they’re fuckin’ Superman. Guess what? Lots of people are doing the shit that you’re bragging about every single day and don’t need to blog about it. (By you, I mean the douchebags who think they’re something special.)
Be humble about your accomplishments. You can be just as inspiring by being humble as you can by being a conceited asshole.
Thank you again for opening up and sharing your doubts and fears. That’s what makes us human.
Steven recently posted..Who’s in Control of Your Life?
Hi Stephen, thank you for sharing too. The struggle you describe sounds so familiar to me and I think when people who struggle can still make strides to live happier and more fulfilled lives then there is cause for celebration! I also agree that being humble is so important but I also think it’s okay to shout from the rooftops if you’ve done something you are proud of but, like you say, we can do that without being conceited or self-righteousness
In terms of confidence, I want to share with you my favorite quote, which might help to reframe how you think about confidence, what it means to be brave. From Susan Piver: “Confidence is the willingness to be as ridiculous, luminous, intelligent, and kind as you really are, without embarrassment.” I don’t know about you, but I want to be this woman. You are brilliant, messy, confused, and precious.
Jill recently posted..An Ode to the Backyard
Amazing quote Jill, thank you so much for sharing. I think getting rid of that embarrassment holds the key to so much, it’s a quote I’ll make sure I remind myself of often
Thank you for admitting that it’s difficult to be constantly on the road, and that you miss having a home and home comforts. Too many bloggers out there try to sell this nomadic lifestyle as being this glamourous thing which every traveller should strive to achieve.
I was recently on the road for two months, and it was way too much for me. Now I’m nesting!
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Agreed! I get tired of all the travel blogs that make life on the road so glamorous, like it’s not a lot of hard work and isn’t stressful.It is! And it’s nice once in a while to just be home…and at peace.
I think a lot of bloggers out there are trying to sell more than just the nomadic lifestyle…they’re trying to sell themselves, desparately trying to convince others they’re some type of guru so people will buy their eBook. I, for one, am tired of being marketed to by self-proclaimed “experts.” Since when did writing a blog make anyone an expert at anything?
Wow…I’m ranting. Haha!
Steven recently posted..Who’s in Control of Your Life?
Hi Denise, thanks for your comment. I’m glad that you can relate and I love the use of the word nesting, I think we forget that it’s actually quite a human instinct to nest. It’s definitely what I’m missing!
I love this Caroline. I was thinking about you this morning as a matter of fact during a wee bout of meditation (not as ridiculous as it sounds, promise). I was thinking about how far I’ve come in the last two years, then I came to think about how far you’ve come too, especially seeing how drastically different your living and working environment has quickly changed!
I think we’re fucking awesome, all of us. Every day I look up at my world map and just daydream about all the different possibilities we have. It’s incredible. You’re incredible!
Enough praise for one day, I hope you’re having fun, and I hope even more that our paths cross again in some other country along the way. Hasta luego!
Benjamin recently posted..Balance (2+2=5)
Ben there is nothing ridiculous about me popping into your thoughts at any time! I love your comment, it made me smile mucho. Yes we have come a long way and yes it is and we are incredible. Please come to Asia, we need you here!
I hear ya on many of these things – especially #1.
As for #2 I can perhaps help you out there.
Haha thanks Will, regarding #2 I’ll take any help that’s on offer!
Hey Caz, don’t be too hard on yourself and remember to look after yourself. I remember feeling very much the same and wondering why I’d left my home and the man I’d only just met behind to what I was doing. Though surrounded by people I felt isolated, lonely and often remarkably bored. To this day though I find myself giving thanks after living without running water and electricity for the water that comes out of my shower, my comfy bed and double glazing. The developing world is so noisy – I hadn’t realised that quiet is such an expensive luxury. That was something worth learning. As for goals – and I suspect you’ll hate me for this – how about not having any for a while and just being in the present? Harder than it sounds – could almost be a goal. I do enjoy your posts so please keep writing. X
Hey Bela, thanks for your comment. I can relate to so much of what you’ve said, in particular the gratitude for what we have back home. Quiet is definitely a luxury I miss. Haha I could never hate you and I fully believe that being in the present is the most important thing we can do but part of what has left me feeling low is having a lack of focus. I regularly read, I write, I meditate, I spend a lot of time being still but I would also like something more substantial and meaningful to work on. I can imagine I’m not going to suit retirement well either
xx
Thanks for sharing Caroline – Courage to me is taking action in the face of fear. Your travels, blog and this post show your courage!
You say you haven’t been working on your goals but I’m sure being consistent writing for this blog is a goal. If that’s the case, then you’ve been keeping up with some of your goals! If you’ve been making it to your travel destinations, also achieving your goals.
Travel is not as glamorous as you had imagined it to be but you’re acquiring new experiences, facing your fears, and seeing the world around you which is only going to help you personally and professionally in life. Also, if you’re continuing to travel despite your concerns about it, courage again!
Anyone who runs a blog like this and is so open with their life cannot really be that self-conscious can they:) ?
And finally, love you find in the oddest places and the most unusual circumstances sometimes. You’ve created a life that allows love to unfold.
I think I’ve checked all the items you mentioned off the list. Maybe life isn’t progressing at the speed you’d like it but it is going forth in the right direction
? What do you think?
Your fear in writing this post took a hell of a lot of courage!
Vishnu recently posted..Holy cows! A village traffic jam, Indiana Jones and lessons in moving forward.
Hi Vishnu thanks for your great comment. I agree with all of your points and it made me remember something I always believe which is that there is always learning in the struggle. If life were easy then what would be the fun in that eh
I’m also really grateful for these words: “You’ve created a life that allows love to unfold.” Thanks Vishnu, it’s so nice that you think so and yes I wholeheartedly agree, I am most definitely going forth in the right direction 
Dang Caroline! You are straight up bringing the truth
Although, you say you struggle to wear the title of “courage” I think you showed some in this post. You may not always feel it, but you certainly show it.
For one, you admitted that you aren’t enjoying travelling as much as you expected to. I enjoy travelling just like any other person, but there are times when I don’t enjoy it. Sometimes, I think people act like “travelling is 100 percent amazing all of the time”.
But in reality I don’t think that is true for anyone… So a lot of people feel like something is wrong, when they are going through those struggles that travelling inevitably brings. I’m really glad you shared this. I think it is an important message for people to hear.
I could write some thoughts on each item you discuss, but I won’t as that would take a long time and be kind of boring
I’ll just sum it up by saying, I enjoyed this post a lot. It felt very authentic.
Izzy recently posted..Turning A Dream Into a Reality
Izzy thank you for your lovely comment. It’s been amazing for me to realise how many people can relate to the travelling points I’ve made. I guess I had started to think that perhaps it was just me but I’ve realised that of course it’s not. Thanks so much for sharing
I feel you girl, but trust me it is just human to feel that way. I stay among friends but there are times that I feel lonely, I like traveling a lot but there are those times that traveling just bores me. You are a strong person. I could have never imagined that you were going through all that as I read your earlier blogs.
Jennie Scott recently posted..Kim Kardashian Denies That She Is Pregnant
Hi Jennie, thanks for your comment. You are so right, feeling lonely can happen to any of us at any time. I’ve realised that I need to do something different as the “backpacking” thing isn’t working for me right now but that’s good because I’m now feeling excited about my future plans!
Thank you for being so open and ‘virtually naked’! It’s very comforting to know that people who seem to have it all sorted get hit by the same issues (and come out victorious
)
Steph recently posted..The Quiet Revolution
Hi Steph, wow I’m stunned that I anyone would think I have it all sorted and it’s funny because part of me wanting to hide was precisely because I felt like I didn’t have all the answers and the reaction I’ve had to this post shows me that none of us do and that’s okay. Thanks so much for sharing
Caroline, I loved this post and it was so wonderful to have the added bonus of seeing and hearing you through your video. It felt just like I was sat across the table from you again! You came across so naturally, and your authenticity and vulnerability was so touching. You are an incredible woman my friend, and your willingness to share more of yourself here online is so inspiring. I look forward to catching up with you in person soon – I think Goa will be the perfect place for you to slow things down. It’s also a pretty great place to find love
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Thanks Hannah for your beautiful comment, you say the sweetest things
Our reunion chat in Goa is going to be epic, I can’t wait 
It felt just like I was sat across the table from you again! You came across so naturally, and your authenticity and vulnerability was so touching.
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Thanks Alice, lovely comment
I’d been wondering how you were faring as well Caroline – and thanks for this honest update. I think it’s fairly normal to come to this doubting place after so much time spent planning and dreaming. Now you are faced with the reality, and of course there are bits that just aren’t as cool as you’d imagined! I have a similar dream to you – and I already know that it’s damn hard to juggle working with traveling. I’ve experienced that exact feeling of guilt no matter which I am doing. If out exploring, I should be working. If sitting at a computer, I should be enjoying my surroundings. Sometimes it feels like you just can’t win! But you ARE winning – because you’ve made the leap, you’re experiencing your dream and sharing the good and the bad with us. (And if you eventually end up back in England with another memory foam mattress – show what? It means you’ve experienced both worlds and can move back and orth between them.)
I know this whole thing will evolve and change as time goes on and I’m sure looking forward to following your progress. Cheers!
Sarah | Holistic Hot Sauce recently posted..Tips To Cultivate Serenity While Traveling (And Avoid That Death Warmed Over Look Despite Only 3 Hours Of Sleep)
Hi Sarah, thanks for your comment, it’s always nice to know I’m not alone on this one. I hope your travels are going well and your dreams are coming to fruition
Thank you for sharing yourself with us. I read your every post and though I rarely comment I simply am amazed by your courage. We all have our weaknesses and dark secrets but taking that step of liberating it whether it is for yourself or for others is always worth it. I learn from your post. And I too am beginning to be truer to myself. I enjoyed your video. Love the place you’re in now. Take care always!
Hey Elisa, thanks for your lovely comment. “We all have our weaknesses and dark secrets but taking that step of liberating it whether it is for yourself or for others is always worth it.” I love this and totally agree with what you’ve said. Take care of you too
You mentioned not reaching many of your goals outside of those related to travel. Just remember we still have half a year. Plenty of time to start working on the ones you haven’t started yet
I think so many of us get caught up in the fantasy of travel and the nomadic lifestyle that we fail to realize how much work it can be. We see ourselves meeting lots of new and interesting people, but fail to realize just how much we may miss the family and friends we already have. I think it’s great for you to acknowledge that it’s not all “easy”. Even the most fun things in the world have some unpleasant experiences with it too.
I’ve been thinking I need to start doing some videos. Hadn’t thought much about what I’d talk about or do with them yet, but it is something on my radar.
And I just might have to do a post like this in the near future. I’m sure I could find many things I haven’t confessed yet.
Still, hope you are having at least some of what you hoped for in your travels! Hope you’re finding things to enjoy too!
Grady Pruitt recently posted..Learning to forgive yourself and others
Hi Grady, thanks for your comment. I think you are right about getting caught up in the fantasy of things but then that’s life I think, there are highs and lows to it all and despite how hard I’ve found it to be on the move constantly, I wouldn’t swap my situation with anyone else’s, not for all the tea in China (and I love tea!). I would love to see you do some videos, I’ve had such lovely responses to mine that it’s made me wonder why I worried about it. Also, thanks for the reminder that I still have the rest of the year, it may seem silly but I needed to hear that
Hi Caroline, I read this post a few weeks ago and have just read it again, and I can really relate with everything you’re saying, especially what you said about fear, and how there always seem to be new fears to face….. But I just figured out recently that with the absence of fear is also the absence of growth, and that fear will never actually go away….. there’s no point sitting around waiting until ‘I’m not scared anymore’ cos that days never going to come. So you’re totally right, you are super brave… those people that recognize their fears but push on regardless are brilliantly brave and inspiring
Really enjoying reading your blog, very authentic and honest…. I’ve wanted to start one for a very long time, but never seem to take that step and start one…. maybe nows the time
Hi Kate, thanks for your lovely comment. “Now” is always the time. Please drop me a line if I can help you get started in any way. I remember asking for help myself when I first started and the response I got was amazing, so I’m always keen to pay it forward.
I think it’s so brave of you to put your inner self on your blog. It’s also amazed me that you have highlighted some of my own!!! Especially the one about wanting someone to share your life with. I totally agree with how annoying it is that it something that doesn’t really work on a to do list!!! ;D
Don’t worry about your feelings about travelling… I think it’s important that we do these things do that we begin to reflect on what we love about the life that we thought we were dissatisfied with!!! It’s all part of the growing process.
Life’s a journey but it doesn’t always go in one direction and it’s ok to take a turning we never thought we would or knew we could… But it’s equally ok to go down a street we’ve been down before and decide we quite like it now!!! I prefer the wiggly road philosophy!!! If in doubt read Dr Seuss ‘The Places You’ll Go’ x x
Thanks for your lovely comment Liesel, I love the wiggly road philosophy
“I find myself feeling guilty if I’m out sightseeing rather than working and guilty if I’m working too hard and not exploring the places that I visit.”
I think I feel that every day. Here Carrie and I are in Chiang Mai. She’s out meeting lovely people like you and going to the park and exploring. I’m here tethered to this little beeping box in the hope that a few more people will “like” me.
Yet when we spend a day wandering around, I’m thinking “crap, I really should be working on my next post.” Sometimes, it seems like there’s no way to win.
Greg Goodman recently posted..Reflections on a Month Living in Rishikesh, India
Well Greg from one bleeping box to another I hear ya! However, I actually feel for the first time in a long time like I’m managing to find a nice balance, evidenced by our recent night time galavanting around Chiang Mai! One way to look at it is that we wouldn’t have anything to write about if we simply sat staring at our screens all day, we could even probably get away with calling it field research