On this page you’ll find highlights, notes and timings for the call.
Welcome, logistics + participant control
00:02:10: Shared silence
00:03:50: Talking about the idea of comfort. Where in my life is leaning into comfort keeping me small? Feeling the need to expand my life in the real world. Making a choice between what makes me feel comfortable in the moment and between what will make me feel comfortable on a more sustainable level.
It’s more comfortable for me to stay home and tinker in my office on a Wednesday afternoon than it is to go to the language exchange that I’ve been promising myself I would go to. But in the long-term I feel discomfort because I feel disconnected.
00:06:43: Initial check in with each participant asking you to share, name, location and one place in your life where leaning into your comfort is keeping you small:
– Food is a big zone of comfort for me. I’m aware that I’m keeping myself comfortable there.
– I continually choose my boyfriend’s business over my business + I get comfortable choosing social media over for example going for a run.
– Hiding my body in lots of clothes, food, being supported financially by husband.
– Relationship with food. Relationship with boyfriend automatic behaviour and the level of presence.
– Chocolate and anxiousness.
– How I’m showing up around business.
Comfort often shows in our automatic behaviour. We can use curiosity as an alternative to comfort.
00:25:23: “I find it difficult to be vulnerable in a group. I’m very scared to say that I’m going to start the 12-step program for co-dependence. This is my priority for the next months and my business is less of a priority. But what does it really mean that something is a priority in my life?”
Exploring how to understand priorities. Priority can be a way to avoid overwhelm. We can find the balance between structure and flexibility.
Maybe you can wake up in the morning and ask ‘what is my intention with this work today?’ What will have me feeling good about myself? This will support you to be in tune with your own needs and to
00:39:38: “With my boyfriend, how does it happen that my level of presence slips? How do I enable his level of presence to be low? What does having presence mean? We talk about leaning into our edge, but we don’t do it as much as I would like.”
It is useful to make a distinction between expectation and agreement. How can you communicate so you feel less frustrated and he feels less stress? Maybe you need to have a conversation to understand what it means to lean into your edge for each of you.
When I find myself looking at what someone else isn’t doing, it says more about me. So my question to you is ‘where are you not leaning into your edge?’
Realisation of ‘We need to spend more time apart and more time in nature.’
00:56:38: “If you have expectations for someone else, then normally the first place to look is at yourself – what are you lacking / what do you need? How do I explore that going forward? With my ex I wanted him to be more exciting in a group setting, but he couldn’t do that, it wasn’t in his personality.”
What does it say about you having a boyfriend that is not sociable and fun? Is there a fear of judgment?
Going forward you can use your previous relationships to map out what are essential and desirable criteria for a coming partner.
Some questions for you to sit with: ‘Where am I not having enough fun in my life?’ ‘How fun do you feel you are?’ ‘How can I be the generator of my own fun?’
01:10:25: “My husband is in a very dark place at the moment. It hurts me. How can I deal with it, so it doesn’t hurt me so much? I try to see him as a small boy who is very vulnerable at the moment. But it’s difficult and I react to his grumpiness.”
There are three roles we can be in life and in relationships: The parent, the child and the adult. The best place to be is in the adult. You don’t have to rescue him.
Realisation of – ‘I have to be there for me, so I don’t depend on him.’
The more space we can give someone with their pain, the sooner they reach out again. However if you feel like he crosses a line in terms of treating you with respect, it is important to say it.
01:26:00: How do we know the difference between comfort and need?
The key is to get present with ourselves. When doing something are we trying to justify it to ourselves? Am I hiding or keeping it to myself?